Suicidal
by himmelblu
Summary: Sabo was feeling lonely, having no one. His family had abandoned him long ago, he had no friends or anything. And it didn't help that it was his birthday, people always said that would feel special, but it didn't. Would anyone even care if he wasn't around? No one did now. What hopes could he have to make friends, much less get a family. (A Mental Health Fic)


_Hello everyone, here is another mental health fic_

 _This is going to be Sabos story from Psychosis. It's not necessary to read it to understand this_

 _This is going to have some blood and suicidal themes, and suicide attempts. So, if you can't read that, don't read this_

 _This is a suicidal fic, but there is also depression here_

 _Hope you enjoy_

 _Read and relax_

* * *

Sabo gave a sigh, looking out the window in his apartment, seeing people moving along their day normally and hastily. It all just felt so useless and full of nothing. Sabo had nothing to do, no one to be with. He had no family that he knew of, they abandoned him years ago, leaving him alone. All the ones he had thought to be his friends had left him, so he was alone, and he felt it more than he had before right now, as it was his birthday. It was his 18th birthday, people always said that would be special. He had somehow managed to get his hopes up, but he shouldn't have, it only made it all worse.

With a sigh, feeling completely empty, Sabo went to the kitchen to maybe try to make food, he might as well try to make it through the day pretending to be happy. As he was cutting some bread, the knife accidentally cut his finger, making Sabo give a small swear as he put the knife down to look at the damage. When he saw blood coming from the small cut, Sabo touched it and felt a bit of burning. He looked down at the knife,

Would anybody miss him?

He was a failure after all. He had no friends, work or anything. Even his own family had left him, there had to be something wrong with him. Who would miss him? He was close to no one, n everyone he tried to speak to ignored him or just pretended for a while before leaving. No one would care, it might just be better if he weren't around, he was off no use to anyone, he was just nothing and a waste of everything.

Sabo grabbed the knife, pressing the blade to his wrist and pushing down, before slicing it to the side.

There was some small pain, but it didn't last long. Sabo watched as blood quickly started to flow out of the cut, dripping down on the floor. Sabo soon felt lightheaded, and thought of maybe go sit down or something, to not make any sounds.

Sabo didn't manage a step before he fell to the floor unconscious.

-x-

Sabo felt himself groggily waking up, confused for a second on where he was and what was happening. The ceiling was white, so he wasn't at home. When he tried to move his arms, to massage his head, h found he couldn't, and looked down to see he was restrained to a bed. When he tried to get loose again, he felt pain in his wrist, and looked down to see bandages there. Then Sabo remembered, he had tried to kill himself.

Sabo laid down with a sigh. He couldn't even kill himself, he was useless.

Sabo tried to move again, this time his legs or head or something, but found he was restrained at the legs too. And he felt… tired, he felt like he couldn't really move, he felt sluggish. Where was he? He tried to look around, seeing a whit room with nothing but a small desk in. Was he in a hospital? How had he gotten here? He tried to think, but couldn't come up with a solution on how. Who would even have cared enough to call the ambulance?

It wasn't long before the door opened and a man came inside, wearing a white coat. The man said something to him when he noticed him awake, but Sabo found out he couldn't hear or understand or something. It was… muffled. Sabo closed his eyes, trying to move a hand to his head again, but found t still restrained. He soon felt a come to his restrained hand, easing it down to the bed carefully. Sabo opened his eyes and looked at the doctor, hearing him talking and tried to concentrate. ¨-ill in bad shape, try not to move them.¨ Sabo looked at the doctor, understanding it was something about not moving his wrists maybe. Sabo gave a slow nod, hoping he might take the restraint off if he didn't fight them.

The doctor gave him a nod back. ¨I'm doctor Trafalgar, do you know your name?¨ Sabo gave a nod. ¨S-¨ Sabo had to clear his throat, noticing it was really dry, and tried again. ¨S-Sabo.¨ The doctor gave a nod. ¨That's good, Sabo. Do you know where you are?¨ Sabo gave a nod, ¨Hospital.¨ The doctor gave a nod, ¨Very good. Do you know why you are here?¨ Sabo looked away from the doctor, unconsciously looking down at his wrist, not saying anything. He knew why, but he didn't want to tell, then they would never let him out, Sabo hoping he might managed to make something up and get out. He heard the doctor give a sigh. ¨You were found by a neighbor as she heard a crash. We're keeping you here for now, Sabo.¨

Sabo looked at the doctor, ¨Why?¨ The doctor shook his head, ¨To make sure you won't try again.¨ Sabo shook his head, ¨I wasn't trying to.. off myself. It was an accident.¨ The doctor shook his head, ¨We both know it wasn't Sabo.¨ Sabo shook his head, ¨Can- can the restraints come off? Please?¨ He didn't like to be restrained. The doctor shook his head, ¨I'm sorry Sabo, but they are there for your safety.¨ Sabo shook his head, wanting to hide under the covers or something, to have the hands at his face, but couldn't. He felt vulnerable when he felt a small sob leave him, tears falling down his cheeks. He felt the doctor move a hand to his shoulder, trying to comfort him.

Sabo hated this, he hated someone had checked on him and saved him. He would have been better off dead.

-x-

Sabo was held in the restraints for a day, before he was thankfully released. Sabo did stay in his room for a while, not wanting to leave, a nurse always with him. After a day, he dared to walk out of the room, joining others in the dining area. Sabo was constantly followed around by a nurse for two days, the nurse never letting him be alone, not even when he was going to the toilet. The only times the nurse wasn't there, was when Sabo was speaking to the doctor, which Sabo didn't really like, but he had decided to start trying.

He had slowly opened a bit up, telling how he didn't have anyone, telling he was alone and no one would care anyway, that he was just a waste of everything. When he did start, he found it hard to end. He often found himself scratching at his bandaged wrists, feeling nervous. When he had one day scratched it too hard, making it bleed again, he was in the doctor's office as he was taking his bandages off to assess the damage and change it. ¨Why did you scratch your wrist, Sabo?¨ Asked the doctor calmly. Sabo let out a small noise, ¨I don't know… I do it when I'm nervous, or stressed. I didn't mean too, I promise.¨ He was scared the doctor wouldn't believe him.

The doctor gave a nod, ¨I see. We should maybe put on some different bandages, to make sure you don't accidentally ruin the stitches.¨ Sabo blinked, looking at the doctor. _He believed him?_ The doctor, seeing his look, gave a smile. ¨Had you done it on purpose, it would have been worse. Try not to do it again, okay?¨ Sabo nodded, giving a small flinch when the last piece of the bandage was taken off, it being a bit stuck by the blood.

When it was off, Sabo saw the wound for the first time. It was long, wide and looked angry, it looked deep. Sabo felt ashamed, he did. But he hadn't seen another solution that time. He still did sometimes feel like he was no use, feeling like a bother. The doctor had said that was because he was depressed too, which he found weird. Sabo didn't feel depressed, he didn't feel sad. The doctor had said that not all depression made one sad, but it could make him feel hollow, empty and giving thoughts of suicide. Sabo had been surprised by that, not knowing depression could be more than just being sad.

Maybe he was depressed? Maybe the doctor could help him feel better. Sabo hoped so.

-x-

Sabo had been more out in the dining area, and had noticed a black haired person there, around his age, who seemed confused. He did seem nice, so Sabo had taken a chance and sat down next to him, asking if he could. He got no answer, the person not even seeming to notice him. Sabo decided to just stay, having noticed he sometimes seemed to not react to things. The person had reacted after some time, saying hello and asking who he was. Sabo introduced himself, finding out the person was Ace, and he didn't seem to mind him there, which he liked. Sabo had never been good at speaking to others.

Ace had said he looked like Marco, having blond hair. Sabo could remember a blond being there, who also seemed nice. When Ace had said Marco was mad at him, he had frowned since Marco had seemed so nice and caring for Ace. But Ace seemed both sure and unsure, making him unsure.

The next day, Sao had noticed Marco and had dared to ask about it, asking if he was mad at Ace. He had said now, half explaining why, but trialing off. Sabo understood and said he didn't need to know what was wrong with Ace. Marco seemed glad by that and had introduced himself properly, Sabo figuring out he was Aces boyfriend. Sabo didn't know what he would say, so he stuck by saying he thought he was Aces friend. When they had shook hands, Sabo noticed Marco had seen the bandages around his wrists, and Sabo had said he was here for his own reasons, Marco saying it was fine and hoping he and Ace would become good friends.

Sabo couldn't help but smile at that. Maybe he could make a friend.

-x-

He and Ace had been more together, Sabo starting to view the other as a good friend, something Sabo had never had before. It also made him more willing to try to fix whatever was wring with himself, to speak with the doctor more and try out medications. He had a hope he could be more with Ace if he was better, maybe he even could help Ace, he wanted to do that.

He had met a man that was Aces adoptive father, Newgate. He seemed like a really nice man to have as a father, making Sabo a bit jealous, but also glad on Aces behalf. Ace deserved a family, he deserved to be happy, Sabo didn't that. When the man had called him son, he was shocked, never having been called that before. It felt… nice. He just wasn't sure what to do with it. He had never had a family, or anyone that cared.

He had spoken a bit to the doctor about that, the doctor mentioning he did deserve to be happy, he shouldn't be thinking he didn't deserve that, everyone deserved to be happy.

The more he was with Ace, he felt more and more happy, feeling he actually had a friend, feeling what that felt like for the first time. Feeling even more glad when Ace seemed to be glad with being around him.

Maybe he did deserve to be happy.

-x-

Sabo could only stare as the doctor spoke to a clearly upset Marco, Sabo having heard a small sob of apology from inside the Aces room. Sabo wanted to go check, to see if Ace was fine. But when he heard Marco say Ace was _really_ upset for having danced with him, Sabo felt his breath leave him.

Ace was upset and Marco was upset because of him, he had fucked everything up.

Sabo went to his room, closing the door, sliding down to the floor. The one, or two people he had made friends with was upset because of him. Sabo had really enjoyed dancing with Ace before, knowing Ace liked it and Sabo was interested in it, he had never given it much thought. And he had asked Ace, asked if he could since Sabo wanted to try. He had made Ace worse, it was his fault, he had messed everything up. He should have stayed away, he knew it was too good to be true, he would never make any friends or anything.

Sabo went to the bathroom, going to splash some water in his face or something. But when he saw himself in the mirror there, he got mad at himself, mad that he had to be such a failure. Before Sabo registered it himself, he let out a small yell, punching the mirror, breaking it. When the mirror broke and Sabo saw the pieces laying on the floor, seeing his reflection in some, he felt mad at what he saw, he was a horrible person, he shouldn't have been with Ace, he would have been better without him. Sabo only made things worse.

Sabo moved a hand to his wrist, tearing the bandages off, seeing the angry red sound there still.

When Sabo grabbed a piece of the broken mirror, he heard the door open and some yelling. Before the bathroom door opened, Sabo had managed to use the glass to slice another cut across the old one, creating an x.

Sabo barely managed to see a nurse before he passed out.

-x-

Sabo felt himself waking up, feeling groggy. When he tried to move his hands, he noticed they were restrained. As the event form before came back to him, he felt a sob leave him. He had messed everything up and he still couldn't kill himself. He had ruined the one friend he had had, and even ruined everything for Marco, who Sabo liked too. He messed everything up, he shouldn't be here. He heard some movement beside him and saw the doctor there, having a concerned look. ¨Sabo, what happened?¨ Sabo shook his head, turning away from the doctor, letting out a small sob again, trying to get out of the restraints.

He heard the doctor try to calm him down, but Sabo didn't listen to him. After some time, Sabo just gave up and just laid still at the bed, crying. The doctor tried to talk to him, to figure out what was wrong and what had happened to cause him to try again. Sabo didn't want to tell, he was mad at himself for being stupid and naïve, thinking someone would like him.

The doctor tried for a while, before leaving, a nurse coming in instead and staying with him. Sabo hated everything. He was back to being restrained since he didn't manage to kill himself, again. He had ruined the one friendship he had had and everything.

He couldn't do anything right.

-x-

Sabo was held in the restraints for a day, before finally being released. He was back to not being able to be alone, not even allowed to go the toilet alone, the door needing to be open. He noticed the mirror was gone completely and Sabo was sure he would never get one back. he also had real thick bandages around his wrist, meaning he couldn't manage to get them off and do anything before someone noticed. He would be stuck here alone forever. He was asked if he wanted to go eat breakfast in the dining room, but Sabo didn't, he wanted to stay here, he was too tired anyway, the medication he was now on making him sluggish. Even if Ace might be there. Sabo did want to see how he were, but Sabo knew Ace wouldn't like him anymore, he had messed everything up anyway.

When lunch came, the doctor said he should go, telling they also needed to change his bed and clean. Sabo agreed to that, not wanting to be a bother to anyone else. The nurse did accompany him out of the door, and Sabo was sure she would for at least a couple of days. He knew how it was now.

When he was out in the hallway and about to turn to the dining room, he was shocked to see Ace there, looking at him. Before Sabo could react, Ace gave a smile and was suddenly hugging him.

Sabo was confused as to why Ace was hugging him, but managed to slowly hug back, his entire body feeling sluggish still. After a minute, Ace leaned back, giving him a smile. ¨… I missed you… Sabo.¨ Sabo managed a small smile, but felt like he didn't quite make it, a hand unconsciously going to his wrist and massaging it. Maybe Ace weren't mad? And he had almost left the one friend he had alone? Was he allowed to have that hope? He saw Ace give a small frown, noticing the bandages around his wrists. ¨…Are you okay..?¨ Sabo managed a nod, ¨I'm good now.¨ He was good now, really good. Ace still liked him. it felt like a dream. Maybe Sabo was still asleep. But it was fine, if he was, he wouldn't want to wake up.

Ace was still his friend, nothing else mattered.

-x-

Sabo had managed to speak with the doctor about what had happened, the doctor being surprisingly understanding and telling it wasn't his fault, also giving a small note that everything was fine with both Ace and Marco. The doctor also said that if he ever felt something like that, or thought he was at blame for anything, to go to him or anyone else of the doctors or nurses, telling it was most likely his mind overthinking it, which could be true as he had been on some different medication he was trying out. They would try something else now, which was good, Sabo hoping it would help, but also hoping it wouldn't, and hoping Ace would stay here longer.

He knew Ace was doing better, whatever had happened yesterday when he had been watching TV together and he had suddenly trained off and had a conversation with both Marco and the doctor, Ace seeming more okay.

Sabo knew it was selfish, but he didn't want Ace to leave, he didn't want to be alone again. Was he allowed to be selfish for once? To just keep this one friend he had?

He was friends with, or sort of friends with Marco and Newgate too, the two being kind to him. Sabo tried to use every moment he could with Ace, knowing he was going to be let out soon, he was doing really good. And Sabo was glad on Aces behalf, but he knew he would be alone again soon.

Sabo didn't want to be alone.

The doctor had noticed something was off, but Sabo refuses to tell what, refused to tell how selfish he was, that he wanted to be with Ace. He was doing better himself, but he knew that would all fade when he was back alone.

Then came the day when Ace said he was getting released.

Sabo tried to be happy for Ace, doing his best to smile and be happy, happy Ace was doing better. Ace did promise he would visit as much as he could, but Sabo knew that wouldn't last, no one stick with him for long anyway.

When Ace had said the last goodbye and left, Sabo had stayed inside his room all day, not wanting to do anything. The nurses and doctors did understand he was sad about Ace leaving, and tried their best in making him happy, but Sabo didn't feel like being happy. He just lost his one friend. He would visit for a bit, and Sabo would enjoy every time he did, knowing it wouldn't last. Ace did visit for the first time after a couple days, even staying a bit, something that made him really glad, Sabo enjoying every moment with him. When Ace left, Sabo felt really lonely again. This happened 3 times, and after every visit, Sabo felt more and more down, knowing it wouldn't last. Which was why he was now sitting on his bed, trying to not cry as he would be all alone again soon.

But after a few minutes, he was shocked when there was a knock at his door.

He knew he didn't have a meeting with the doctor for a while, and he was often left alone now, even having gotten a TV. When he gave a come in, he was shocked to see Newgate coming inside, the man giving him a smile. ¨Hello, son.¨ Sabo blinked. He was still not used to how the man called him son. ¨Hi. What are you doing here?¨ What could the man possibly want with him? Maybe he was going to say he couldn't be with Ace anymore? Sabo hoped not.

The man sat down next to him on the bed, sending him a smile. ¨I spoke a quick word with Dr. Trafalgar, he didn't say much as he's not allowed, but he said you were doing fine.¨ Sabo gave a nod, he felt he was doing fine for now, still not understanding what that had to do with anything. Newgate looked at him. ¨Do you have anywhere to go when you get released?¨ Sabo looked away, feeling his eyes tearing up. He had nowhere to go, he was all alone, he couldn't answer that. He felt a hand carefully touch his shoulder.

¨Because I wondered if you didn't, if you would come with me?¨

Sabo felt his brain slow down, his heart skipping a beat. _What?_ He looked at Newgate, trying to speak. ¨W-what?¨ The man gave a smile. ¨I wondered if you would come with me? Ace, even Marco, have taken a shine to you.¨ Sabo was too shocked to speak for a second, but let out a small sound as he looked down at his still bandaged wrists, ¨But…¨ Who would want him? Newgate placed a hand over his hands, over his bandaged wrists. ¨That's in the past. It is there, and we'll help you through it, but we move forward now.¨ Sabo looked at the man shocked. He wanted him? Even with his flaws? Sabo tried to speak, to ask how he could say that… but Sabo wanted to say yes, but he didn't know if he could. When he felt a hand carefully touch his cheek, Sabo let out a sob, feeling way overwhelmed by everything.

¨ _I don't want to be alone_!¨ Sabo managed to sob out. ¨I know it selfish, but I _hate_ being alone.¨

Sabo felt Newgate suddenly hugging him, and Sabo didn't care as he just leaned against him, taking the comfort he gave. He had never been comforted like this in his entire life, enjoying to feel safe in the arms and the hand that was stroking his back carefully, giving small hushing noises. When he felt himself clam down, Newgate continued to keep a hand on his back, stoking it comfortingly. ¨Would you let me speak to Dr. Trafalgar about letting me a bit in on you, to know how you're doing and how we can help? And when you get released, you can join our family.¨ Sabo couldn't speak, still too emotional, but managed to nod, trying to wipe away the tears.

He felt Newgate helping to wipe the tears away, sending him a smile. ¨Dr. Trafalgar had the time now to speak about it, but we can wait if you don't want to right now.¨ Sabo shook his head, ¨I-I want to do it now, p-please.¨ He wanted to do it, also to make sure this was real. Newgate nodded, and after giving him a second to gather himself some, they walked out to speak to the doctor, Sabo desperately hoping this wasn't a dream.

When they got to the doctor's office, the doctor seemed glad on his behalf. ¨Sabo, I believe you and Newgate have had a talk.¨ Sabo nodded, giving a sniff as he was still emotional. The doctor nodded, ¨And I'm guessing you said yes?¨ Sabo nodded. The doctor looked at him, having an understanding look. ¨I know this is emotional, but I need you to say it.¨ Sabo nodded, ¨I-I want to go with Newgate.¨

The doctor nodded, ¨Good. I do think you are close to being released, we have been a bit worried to do it since you didn't have any to be with, but that is fixed now.¨ Sabo managed to nod, feeling some tears falling again. _He had a place to go to._ He felt a comforting hand come to his back again, Sabo really thankful for it. The doctor looked at him. ¨We still need to make some changes in you medication, but that will only take a coupe of days at most, and then we'll arrange for future meeting, as I am thinking of maybe once a week.¨ Sabo nodded, still not completely believing this.

Sabo took a deep breath, he knew he was doing better, but still. ¨C-could I maybe have two meeting a week?¨ He was still unsure about everything and he did sometimes feel sadness and the urge to scratch at his wrist come back, but that might be better when he got out, but he wasn't sure. The doctor nodded, ¨You can, we can have three too. But how about starting with two, and see how it goes?¨ Sabo nodded, that sounded way to perfect. He was scared he would wake up and everything had been a dream.

They spoke to the doctor some more, or more like the doctor speaking and him nodding, Newgate sometimes speaking up. Arranging some things that needed to be done, as well as some paperwork.

When he got back to his room, Newgate leaving when the meeting was over, Sabo instantly fell asleep, feeling drained by how emotional the day had been.

-x-

The next days was spent with Sabo doing his best with speaking with the doctor, and telling in truth how the medication worked on him, and he was glad it worked good, making so he could go after a couple of days, Newgate coming and getting him. Sabo was nervous, having been told and heard from Ace the family was big, and he would soon be a part of it.

When they sat in the car, the ride taking about an hour, Newgate had said Ace didn't know he was joining their family yet, they wanting to keep it a surprise. Sabo had nodded, and was excited to meet Ace again, especially now that he was even out of the hospital. But as they got closer and closer, he got anxious. _What if Ace wasn't happy? What if he didn't want him in the family?_ Newgate had seemed to understand something was up, and asked. Sabo hadn't been able to tell at once, but had after some minutes, telling he was scared if Ace weren't going to be happy. Newgate gave a small chuckle. ¨Ace will be happy, he speaks of you a lot. there is no reason to worry, son.¨ Sabo nodded, he still felt warm inside when Newgate called him son. Sabo tried to tell himself it would go fine, everything would go fine.

When they go the house, Sabo saw Ace was out, Marco and some others too, making so he didn't manage to open the door and step out, scared of what Ace might say. But Newgate had walked out and opened his door, and Sabo had taken a deep breath and stepped out of the car. After that, it was barely a second before Ace had run up and hugged him, looking really happy to see him, making all his doubts disappear. When Ace had asked if he was going to stay for a bit, he had only managed to look at Newgate, not able to say it.

But when Newgate said he had joined the family, Ace had looked shocked, before looking even more happy, hugging him, telling he would be happy there, and Sabo actually believed that himself. As soon as Ace let go, another person suddenly hugged him, welcoming him to the family, shocking him. _He was included just like this?_ As soon as he let go, Ace had introduced him to everyone, showing him around the house, seeming so glad he was there, making Sabo happy.

Sabo was glad he was alive.

-x-BONUS-x-

Sabo had been a part of Newgates family for a week now, and he had just gotten used to everything, especially to be able to call the man Pops. It was weird, he had a family now, he had people that cared about him, people that liked him. He still had doubts, sometimes thinking if he might be in the way, or feeling like he was maybe stealing Ace away from Marco, as Ace was the one Sabo was around the most. He had mentioned this to Dr. Trafalgar, and he had said to speak to Marco about it, but Sabo hadn't dared that, scared he might do something wrong.

He had tried to be a bit away from Ace, but Ace had come and dragged him to the living room earlier to play some games and watch a movie or two. Halfway thought the second movie, Ace had somehow managed to fall asleep on him, head resting on his shoulder. As the movie continued to move along, he felt himself grow tired as it was late, and felt himself fall asleep too, head resting on Aces.

Sabo woke up a bit when he felt something moving, something being draped over him. He was still really tired, knowing it could be from his medication, so he only managed to half open his eyes. He saw he now had a blanket draped over himself and Ace, seeing Marco having an amused smile as he leaned in and gave a kiss to Aces head, making Ace move a bit in his sleep, somehow moving closer to him, before relaxing. He heard Marco give a chuckle, not seeming at all bothered by the fact Ace was asleep on him and that Ace had been with him all afternoon and night. When the man left again, Sabo fell asleep again, having a smile.

He felt happy here.

* * *

 _And that's the story, hope you enjoyed_

 _This wasn't too long, but I hope you enjoyed it still_

 _I did mention that depression is something that varies, and this is true. One might not seem depressed or even feel like it themselves, but they are. And suicide is often connected to depression, especially with feeling like a burden and useless like Sabo was. Thinking they don't deserve to be happy. This is also one of the reason he reacted so much to thinking he had messed everything up when Ace and Marco got upset with him dancing with them, since Ace was the one thing that made him happy, Sabo thinking he had ruined it. Depression is a horrible thing that needs to be taken seriously and not joked about, as many Is not as lucky to get treatment or even believed they are depressed since they don't cry or act sad. Not all depression is that_

 _I hope everyone enjoyed, and if you have the time, I would greatly appreciate feedback on the story_

 _As some might know, I am writing a mental health series, and I am taking requests for this. So if you have a mental health issue you want me to write about, please leave it as a review, or you can send a Pm_

 _And if you liked this story, please go check out my other stories based on mental health. There is Aces story, which is called psychosis. I also have a fic about depression and Dissociation Disorder. And don't be afraid to come with requests to future fics about mental health_


End file.
